Use Wise Reasoning to Improve Conflict with Others
This article originally appeared on Medium.com 2/1/2021
What is wise reasoning?
Do you want to find a way to build a bridge during conflict you may be experiencing? Based on research, when you are navigating through conflict all you have to do is practice some good ol’ ‘wise reasoning’.
Research shows that wise reasoning has led people to feel more positively towards their interpersonal relationships following challenging confrontations. Deploying wise reasoning helps improve relational well-being and interpersonal outcomes following an experience of conflict.
Umm…Michael, what’s this wise reasoning stuff you talk about? What does it actually mean? I’m really glad you asked, that’s a great question.
How we approach and anticipate conflict can drive the outcome of our experience. Therefore, if we change the way we are thinking about and anticipating conflict, it will change how we approach and experience said conflict which can lead to improved outcomes.
Wise reasoning can be distilled into — recognizing the limit of our knowledge, being open to change, and considering the perspectives of others. Which can be articulated as the following 3 qualities:
Intellectual humility
Recognition of uncertainty and change
Consideration and integration of different perspectives
Being able to use these qualities to align our intentions and action can lead to feeling closer and more positively towards those with whom we experience conflict — this can be an intimate partner, colleague, friends, and even acquaintances.
Consider for a moment, we can make or break many of our relationships based on how we are able to navigate through conflict with others. Those with whom we can be constructive in conflict with are also those we can grow closer to over time.
Conflict can help bring us closer together rather than push us further apart if we are able to use conflict as a tool to open up our thinking and feelings with others. When we are able to do so, we can then build bridges with others and work on compromising so that each participant is able to speak about their needs and get them met.
Think for a moment about conflict that you have had in the past…
During conflict, how have you felt based on another person’s ability to recognize their limitations of knowledge during conflict? Did they act as if they knew everything about you or the situation? How did you feel afterward? Were you able to see your own limits in knowledge about the situation? How did this inform the way you approached or experienced the other person?
Have you been involved in any conflict in which the other person is inflexible and unwilling to change how they think, feel, or approach the conflict? Have there been situations in which you were unable to be flexible? Was there an opportunity for compromise and change? How did that shape your feelings about the experience?
What about feeling as if your perspective was understood? Were you given space to state your perspective and have it be received as valid? Conversely, have you been able to give space for the perspective of others during conflict? How has the ability to validate and integrate multiple perspectives shaped your experience of conflict?
Finding meaning in conflict
One of the elements of wise reasoning that helps improve relationships is that it helps the individual improve their ability to find a sense of meaning in conflict. The research was able to show that, “sense of meaning was a consistent factor accounting for the positive effect of prospective wise reasoning for relational well-being.” In essence, meaning-making during conflict is consistently associated with positive outcomes.
Research surrounding meaning has drawn associations between the ability to find meaning in life and happiness, positive emotions, positive relationships with others, and health, among many other benefits. Lack of meaning can often be associated with negative emotions such as stress, hopelessness, and many more.
Meaning helps us establish a connection to positive feelings and experiences in life. Wise reasoning is a tool that can help us find meaning in conflict with others. A saying that is passed around therapist circles at times is that “we are hurt and healed in relationships.” Conflict that we may experience is also an opportunity for us to work on healing.
Conflict can lead to divisions between people or it can bring us closer together. Being able to approach conflict in a way that acknowledges the individual’s needs, is open, and receptive, can do wonders to bridge and repair gaps rather than create or maintain them.
Consider for a moment how so much of our political and social issues lack these qualities. Very often, we see people thinking they know everything, unwilling to make compromises, and are unable to deal with changing realities. I mean…this is kind of a summary of many of the conflicts we have seen recently.
As a side note…since I made a comment about the many conflicts we have seen politically and socially…I think it’s important to acknowledge that the many issues we face are very nuanced and are difficult to contain in such a narrow description of conflict. For the most part, this writing is meant to apply more to interpersonal relationships rather than large meaty social issues that involve powerful undermining social constructs.
With all that being said, though, I do think we have to be careful to draw the line when others are being blatantly destructive and malicious. Those types of scenarios with others may likely be best approached with better boundaries.
While we cannot control everything in life, we do have some degree of control over our responses. It is through our responses that we can improve our ability to positively contribute to conflict we may experience. The result is that approaching conflict wisely can directly improve our experience of life with others.
Relationships can be hard
You probably already know that relationships can be difficult at times. But, when they get hard and conflict arises, we can use conflict to help facilitate the opportunity to improve and build relationships even further.
One ingredient to building relationships is creating shared experiences. They help build the foundation to create a sense of community with others. While conflict can be difficult, it is a shared experience. If we can approach conflict in a way that can bring us closer together then conflict can be used to strengthen our relationships rather than create distance and isolation from one another.
Wise reasoning has been shown to be an effective tool to facilitate the development of closeness between others. This can lead to better intimate, work, and casual relationships.
Even though relationships can be difficult, even though we may be challenged at times and forced outside of our comfort zone, we can use conflict to improve our own interpersonal skills.
Next time you find yourself in a sticky situation with someone else, you can try using this wise reasoning tactic:
Acknowledge your limitations — what do you not know? What questions can you ask to better understand the other person?
Be willing to let go of, and check, any expectations and approach the situation with openness and flexibility.
Be open to the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of others. Reflect what you heard them say to clarify understanding and validate that they were heard. What does it mean to you?
In summary, next time you anticipate conflict coming up in a relationship, work, or another setting, remember to practice wise reasoning as a method to improve the outcome and ease any tension or anxiety about the situation that you may be experiencing.
Good luck out there!
